I don't get it, and quite frankly, I don't like it

I had met call girls before. My friends seemed to know some of them on a friendly basis. They were all fairly kind, if lacking in English ability. But I am not thick-headed enough to believe they should speak English. They shouldn't have to at all. It is I who needs to learn Korean. I'm still going on the alphabet.

Call girls, by the way, are not prostitutes here like they are back home. They are more like escorts, but in this case, it's not a disguised title for "hooker," either. They come and sing karoke with you, or eat with you. And that brings me to my gripe about last night: my first call girl.

I have a friend who will remain nameless. He knows a call girl on a carnal level, and she is, in fact, quite sweet and fun. While I understand very little of what she is saying, and I'm sure the road is two-way on that, I can tell that she is polite and well-mannered. She would have to be after all, for her success in her chosen profession demands it. Last night, around 2 AM (I know mom, forgive me, out late on a school night. Extraordinary circumstances, I promise), this friend gets a call from Yumi, the call girl, asking what we're up to. We were just on our way to a bar to meet friends, in fact. Yumi says she wants to see us. Knowing Yumi, I am not upset by this idea in the slightest, and believe that she will be joining us at the bar. I am wrong...

We stop in front of a GS 25 nearby and a mini-van pulls up. Out of the van hope Yumi. The windows all go down simultaneously, revealing a male driver (who looks surprisingly cheerful) and three more girls. It's like a party van! I think. Yumi and look chat for a minute while the van waits. Friend turns to me and says "which one do you like?" I am taken aback by this. It's not like picking an abused cat out at the animal shelter, for chrissakes! These are human beings! Still, I understand the way of things, and I "select" (ugh) a girl. She is cute and, compared to Yumi, alarmingly short. She looks a bit like Sarah Jessica Parker, but the Korean version. The van drives away. This girl immediately attaches herself to my arm and smiles at me in a very creepy way. I am already uncomfortable.

We got to a restaurant and sit in a booth. I sit next to Ji-an, and Friend next to Yumi. We all "chat" while soju and beer is ordered. Beer for me thanks, the ladies had the soju. Ballsy. I had to respect that. They order some chicken. She has her hand on my leg, on my shoulder, touching my face (wtf?) and, at times, tightly grasping my own hand. I don't know how to behave. I know jackshit about this girl and she acts like we've been dating for months.

When the food comes (saucy looking chicken legs, delightful!), we are only given two forks. I don't get it. But in 30 seconds, I do: the girls use the forks to feed both themselves and Friend and I. I haven't been fucking fork-fed a meal since I didn't even have a functioning memory yet, and I'm pretty sure I didn't like it then - I still don't like it now. She even wipes my mouth with her fingers instead of a napkin. THERE ARE NAPKINS ON THE TABLE AND I HAVE TWO WORKING HANDS. I am completely baffled. While I understand all the while that this is what they do for a job, I do not like it. Still, I don't want to make everyone uncomfortable, so I endure this invalid treatment. The only thing I do for myself is pour her soju (which she constantly had to prompt me to do as well, my bad on that one I suppose) and drink my own beer. And try and talk.

Then the phones come out. She starts taking pictures of myself and her. I try smiling in a few and she doesn't seem to like that. I then put on my best "I'm a model and I am trying to look like I don't care about anything" face, and she loves it. She kisses me on the cheek for one, I kiss her on the cheek for one...it's all so cute I nearly vomited. Meanwhile, Friend and Yumi are having the BEST of times, giggling and picture-taking like gangbusters! I feel like I'm missing something.

Then she takes my phone. She looks through every single picture, and the ones that are of girls, she looks at me with a pouty face and asks, "girlfriend?" I reply "no" every time. She seems unsatisfied. She takes four pictures on my phone, each one of me trying to remain expressionless and her covering half her mouth while looking surprised. I now understand why there are photobooths and karaoke machines everywhere in this country: everyone wants to be a star, in movies or music, or both. With these outlets, they can be.

End of the night, we walk them back to their van. They leave. After the van leaves, I get a phone call. It is Ji-an, rambling to me in Korean. I use my entire Korean vocabulary, even calling on Friend to aid me, and in the end I put him on the phone. She wants to see me again on Sunday. I said yes. I ask Friend what I should do for a date. He replies "what we did tonight," followed by some other suggestions that I won't repeat. I am not looking forward to it.

So I am left begging the question: Am I Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, only I'm not loaded?

I just want to meet a normal girl to make my girlfriend.

FUCK, I need to learn Korean.