7 Ways to Save Your Own Life From Yourself

I've joined a site very recently that seems like it might work out in my favor. Too early to tell, but the point of this is that I read a post (they feature blogs, either linked or posted on the site itself) by a girl, Meaghan, who was pointing out how easy it is to Google someone and discover so much about them. She does have a fairly unique name, and so, as an experiment, I googled her and turned up quite a bit. I was able to view multiple profiles on various sites, pictures, her Twitter, etc.

In response to that, and to alleviate some of the tension I am feeling due to this test (read: impending doom) tomorrow, I decided to get some thoughts out of my head. Specifically, thoughts on how to not be revealed as a fool on the internet, and therefore, to everyone in the world that you don't know but might want to know/be hired by. Some of these will be speedballin'...

1. Remove any pictures of you that have any association with alcohol whatsoever. Doesn't matter how funny you think they are, potential employers won't see the humor.

2. Stop using Twitter. It's a pathetic waste of time.

3. If you have an iPhone, chuck it into the nearest river or storm drain. It.will.destroy.you.

4. Twitter or not, don't change your status on Facebook every 10 minutes. In fact, don't change it at all, and try socializing. FACT: Since status changes have begun, passive-aggressive behavior in teens has risen by %4,367,245.

5. If you are one of those people that sits with their laptop on while they watch TV, you are the reason the planet is dying. I have ADHD, and even I can choose one thing at a time. You're probably posting some dumb shit that will incriminate you on the internet anyway, so save yourself the trouble and focus on whatever you're watching.

6. Please. If someone friends you on Facebook because you met them once at a party, and you only just remembered their name because you see it next to their picture on the glowing screen before you, click "Reject." Friendships are becoming cheaper than the dollar, and this whole new term "ex-best friend" is BEYOND upsetting.

7. Set your facebook profile to the most private of settings on all fronts. Believe me when I say this will make life easier and smoother. I know too many people who have family members that were talked into joining facecrack, decided to search their nephew/daughter/grandson to "friend" them (just pathetic...), and then comes a phone call asking about what the Eiffel Tower has to do with Chad and Mark's dorm room. Guy or girl, that's embarassing.

I hope this can help some of you. I also hope this will find its way into this new website I've joined, so i can save my generation from looking worse than the people in the 80s. Bad hair and clothes aside, they had their privacy on lock. Pen and ink diaries are becoming dusty relics, and these blogs and vlogs are penetrating every orifice of the internet with stuff, lots and lots of stuff. We need less these days. Simply provide the beast with less, and it can infect you with less. Simple, non?

Note to anyone who has ever seen Spirited Away: Remember the giant evil black blob monster? Think of that thing as the internet. Every embarassing thing you do and toss casually into the abyss goes into his mouth, and he grows...and grows...and, well, you know...

Now choke that mother fucker and get your dignity back!