Alex, the man from Minnesota...or Wisconsin?

After posting a bit about this fellow, I feel the need to further explain exactly what kind of guy he is, just in case you don't like him already for hitting a small Korean girl.

His name is Alex, and he is an abrasive jerkoff. There are varying degrees of how bad he is, but on the whole, he is a really shitty dude. Here are a few vignettes, if you will, into the personality of Alex whatshislastnameidontknow:

- At Sponge, he likes to point out girls he has slept with. If they are not ugly as sin, you can be sure they were drunk as sin when he picked them up. I have witnessed this. They have trouble standing when they leave with him.
- Once while at Sponge, I asked him for a cigarette. He said he had some, and that they were on the table where he had been sitting. Approaching the table from the dart boards, I notice he is with two pretty girls, both unfortunate enough to be in his company. I reach for what I believe to be Alex's cigs, and one of the woman says, "hey, those are mine." I immediately release them and apologize, but she laughs and says she is joking. I chuckle, and take one from the pack. We might have been about the chat, but I feel Alex's arm slide over my shoulder as he points to the girl, beer in hand, and says, "Hey, don't fuck with my friend." I leave as quickly and uninsultingly as possible.
- In a taxi once, he found out I had a degree in Writing and Journalism. He proceeded to rant about how great John Grisham was and how prolific his works were. I said that I was pretty sure Grisham only wrote thrillers for the legal genre, like Dick Clarke for horse racing, or Tom Clancy for the military. He told me I was wrong. When he asked what authors I liked, I dribbled out the usual list of prose and romantic authors. He then brought up some other NYTimes best-seller thriller writer. I was done talking, but unfortunately, not through listening.
- Just yesterday on a bus, he brought up John Grisham again. I told him I did not like Mr. Grisham's books. He started talking about religion and the renaissance, saying something about pre-WWI. I said that original renaissance was not long after the dark ages, and it was mostly inspired by religion with tapestries and paintings on wood. He was referring to the most recent renaissance, which I'm not even sure is considered a renaissance. He also thought that people were taking drugs in the 15th c. to inspire their art. I assured him that these artists may have been crazy, but they wouldn't have been able to paint or weave that precisely if they were fucked up on shrooms or absinthe, or whatever it was back then, it anything at all. I'm not even certain of this, but I know neither Van Gogh nor Picasso were born in the 1510s.
- At Cream with Allan and Kristyna, Alex told Kristyna that she might consider getting liposuction on her legs, and that, if she ever had the need, he knew of a good backalley abortion doctor. (Allan wanted to kill him)

Those are just the most memorable, but believe me, he is a real arsehole. He's also had a coldsore on his lip for nearly a month now, and I've seen him kissing a few girls in that time. NOT COOL, DUDE.

Korean Wedding

Today, after a long evening at Sponge that involved childrens hats and jumping on people, I went to a Korean wedding with Neo, Luke's friend from Seoul. We arrived to the wedding hall in Expo Park (which is also an amusement park) around 11:30 AM, both thoroughly hung over. I dressed as finely as I could, although Neo had assured me that jeans and a button-down would suffice. He was right: there were lots of people in attire that I wouldn't wear to my mother's birthday, let alone to a wedding.

We get in and it's extremely crowded. I see a large room in front of me with almost 100 people on a stage in picture-formation. Neo is looking for his friend the groom, because they are next-in-line to be married. Wedding halls churn out ceremonies at the rate of almost 1 an hour. And the camera work is inTENSE. Wall cameras, ceiling cameras, people with cameras, film and photo. The older people sit down while everyone else stands. The doors to the front hall are open the entire time, so the ambient noise constantly seeps in, but no one seems to mind.

The marriage is simple and quick: The mothers walk forward in Hanbok and bow to everyone, then sit. Then the groom and his dad walk, bow, and dad sits. Then bride and mom, bow, sit. The bride and groom walk up to a guy with a book who talks. They exchange brief vows, the man at the podium tells an important and relevant story for their success in marriage, and then it is time for some interesting stuff: a guy sings a song in English that is about the sappiest love ever, but it's a sweet sentiment...and a girl makes fun of them, singing a song that forces them to kiss every so often. Cute stuff.

BEST PART: During both the man and woman singing, they are raised on mechanical podiums of their own (cool), and the bride and grooms' feet are DRENCHED in dry ice (SUPER COOL). Little kids started running about and trying to kick the ice. It was adorable. The lighting was epic, the slide show was nice, and the cutting of the cake was insanely

After the wedding, we all walked to the buffet area, where we ate. Then Neo and I went home.

The whole thing took an hour and a half.

CONTINUATED

I forgot to add this gem:

When Luke and I got to the bus stop, we noticed an older white man drunkenly massaging (to make things short and simple) a high school boy. Before I could say anything, Luke brushed me to the side, avoiding them both, and muttered, "don't let him see us."

I soon learn that this is the Russian chap that lives above us, and who can be heard vomiting . outside every night. He seems to be telling this boy to dress more warmly in such cold weather, but he is also...fixing his collar, kissing his cheek, hugging him - all super inappropriate behavior. We avoid him...until he gets on the bus.

Luke and I move to the back. He sits in the middle. We move a few stops, and then he gets up and starts moving towards us. I am desperately digging in my pocket for my headphones to achieve the universal signal of "leave me alone," but he reaches me before I can get them in my ears. He sits down next to me, and Luke isn't paying attention at all, choosing to look out the window. I'm on my own.

He puts his arm around me and touches my leg, which is disturbing. He is drunk as fuck, speaking so closely to me that for the first time in my life, I am having a conversation where the other person is talking to my cheek. I give one word answers to most of his broken-English questions, and finally he says "you want me to leave you alone," to which I reply, "kinda." He moves to the next seat over and mutters in English/Russian/Korean for the remainder of the ride. He complimented my mother and father for making me a polite boy. Cheers, momma and pops.

After I fell over and we made it to Sponge, I was told that a new girl that worked there liked me. Score! Her name is Na-Hee, and she is cute. Unfortunately, when I cut my hand deeply from the fall, I was bleeding badly. I thought I had stopped the bleeding, but when I handed her the darts, I got blood on her hands. She was a little freaked, and I didn't know what to do. Needless to say, I doubt I'll be hearing from her anytime soon.

Do ya think so?

*ahem*

This is just the past 4 days. Here's a teaser:
- I accidentally became a felon
- I got slapped by a woman
- I threw both myself and a girl onto the pavement on a busy street
- I was molested by both a cute Korean girl and an old Russian man (separately)
- I am becoming very good at darts
- I kinda accidentally bled on a girl that I like

Way cool, right?

Our story begins on a Saturday evening. My friend Neil from Chicago came over around 6 PM after I had spent a bothersome morning-after with Megan, a 29-year old Korean English teacher. Her English is quite poor, which leads me to believe that her students must be learning some broken English the likes have not been spoken since some poorly dubbed Kung Fu film. Neil brings over a case of Tsing Tao, which is decent Chinese beer, something that is not so easy to find here in Korea (or maybe I'm just not looking hard enough). We proceed to drink the beer and play GoW2 until our eyes bleed, or until Gerald aka Big Baby (I am New Baby, because I'm from New York. Get it?) arrives at mi casa around 9 PM. We drink all but two of the beers and leave my apartment in search of a cab. But first, we need to procure some beer for the cab ride, because you can do that here in Korea, even in the front seat, which is awesomely amazing.

We walk into the GS25 that is close to where we drink most nights. It is cold, so I am wearing a scarf over my face and warm hat on my head. While talking to Neil, it suddenly occurs to me that I am going to be fatigued in a few hours, so I decide to thwart my sleep and grab a Starbucks Double Shot. Without thinking, I slip it into my pocket so that I can carry four beers (someone was going to drink 2 during the 15-minute cab ride, right?) and walk to the counter. While still discussing something most certainly of the academic nature with Neil, I pay for the four beers..........and walk out of the store.

During the 20-foot walk to the cab that Gerald has hailed, Neil interrupts me:
"Did you pay for that?"
"Yea, you saw me pay," I boast as I hand him one of the 12-ounce cans of Hite.
"No." He pokes my jacket pocket. "That."

I stop. I suddenly recall putting the can in my pocket, yet not taking it out at the counter like I had planned on doing. Now I know there are a number of cameras in that store. And I know that Technovalley is very small in population. And this GS25 isn't exactly a Wal-Mart or a CostCo. But as luck would have it, I reason while in the cab, my face and head were completely concealed. SO I'm off the hook, right? (so far, so good)

I spend the entire cab ride being belittled and ridiculed by Gerald and Neil, trying to defend my senseless behavior against their raucous guffawing and insults.

We arrive at Sponge. I was supposed to tell Megan what I was going to do and where I was going to do it. Because I did not want to see her again, I neglected to inform her of anything, let alone the what and where. As karma would have it, she is at Sponge! Hooray!

We go to the dart boards, which is where we typically hang out at Sponge, and begin playing. I am obligated to greet Megan in a apologetic manner, which I do. She is with some friends, whom I say hi to as well. She does not seem too upset that I did not call her, and I figure that we are both going to mind our own business at the bar. Time passes, beers, Neil buys shots, Gerald loses game after game of darts to me and buys me beer (NICE), at which point Tanya appears. She is a very cute, English-fluent Korean girl who I get the feeling is actually Korean-American. I get her name before she starts making out with me. It is very difficult to throw darts in this position, especially when she prefers that my hand stay forcibly glued to her butt. I excuse myself from the game for a minute and go with the flow, ya know?

I feel a tap on my shoulder. It is Megan. She is visibly upset. I get out a few confused words before she SLAPS me across the face. I can happily say now that I can take a slap like that without even blinking. I apologize profusely because I imagine that is what she wanted to hear, although I don't feel apologetic in the slightest. She tells me never to call her again, and I delete her number. She was a nice girl, but she talked a LOT, and I was never meant to be with a girl that talks all the time. Mostly because that is clearly my job.

Sadly, Tanya has disappeared. But don't fear, campers, because I got her number and plans are in motion! I see this as a plus, really. Tanya is better looking, younger, and seems to like the things I do: drinking and kissing.

Sunday passes by without much of anything. I stay at home and watch movies.

Monday goes by smoothly, work is fun and one cute little girl slips me some chocolate. I think she's trying to bribe me, because her class participation is weak. I should regulate HARD.

Tuesday comes. I spend a quick and fun day teaching some of my favorite, and least favorite students. I beat one of my students for failing a test haha just kidding. But I do demand that he give me a bunch of ring tones on my phone. He can't figure it out, so I pick him up and swing him around the room. Don't worry, they love it.

After work, I go to dinner with Kristyna, whom I haven't seen very much of since she began dating Allan, my friend. We go back to my place to drink beer while she watches me play F.E.A.R. 2, a terrifying thriller of an FPS. She claims she will have nightmares. I'll soon kill Alma...

Luke calls around 10:20, asking if I want to go to Doonsandong to meet Sunny and her friend. I decide it's been two uneventful evenings in a row, so why not go out for a drink or two.

FORGOT TO ADD THIS:
Luke and I

A drink or two turns into several bottles of soju and beer, and while walking to Sponge from the restaurant, we decide to have a piggy-back race. Luke is in the lead, but I get up the energy and take the lead! I don't know how close behind me he is, so I tell her, on the count of three, to move higher up on my back. At the precise moment that she elevates herself on my back, my foot encounters a speed bump. The combination of the sudden added weight on my upper back and the elevation of the ground is very bad, and I take four wheeling steps before throwing the both of us into a busy intersection. She gets up immediately, and I lie there in shame. Thank god it's Tuesday and not Saturday, I'm thinking. She is ashamed, and I'm worried that now she's just going to think about how fat she is (she was talking about it before we started the race).

TO BE CONTINUATED...

Harry is the best student EVERRRR

Another classic Harry story:

One day the alarm rang and all of the policemen got on the car, but before Kentaros could jump out, the police car was speeding through the roads. The police car stopped in front of a zoo and the policemen all got out, but Olleh told Kentaros to stay in the car. Fifty policemen went in the zoo, but one hour later forty nine policemen came out without Olleh, so Kentaros ran into the zoo. Kentaros found Olleh uconscious in a zoo cage, so Kentaros pulled out Olleh from the zoo cage, and killed all the animals in the zoo cage. When Kentaros went out the zoo, the other policemen followed him back into the car, and Olleh put a bomb on the middle of the zoo. When they got far from the zoo, the zoo exploded. Kentaros was not a hero, but he was a killer.

Things I love about my students

1) Storytelling is done both inside and outside of the classroom. The pictures are the same, so if they pay attention during class, their homework is essentially done for them. There are four pictures that they must describe. Each picture requires only one sentence. Many of my students have trouble with this, and that's okay. Instead of four sentences, I normally hear roughly 6-10 from each student.

Some, however, really want to use conjunctions such as "and," "but," and "so." Therefore, I get answers like the one today from Ben in Sprout 1, in which he used "and" 17 times to join every single clause. At least he listens when I speak!

2) They say "Me no," when they should be saying "Not me." I tell them this repeatedly. They don't absorb it. Also, when a fellow classmate is absent, they say "(blank) is die." I tell them they need to say "dead" instead. They don't understand.

3) Terry, whom we all love here at April English (no sarcasm), learned about check swings and third-base umpire calls from me yesterday as I celebrated the Yankees winning the World Series. He is a very bright student, a very fun kid, and I really hope I have him in my class again soon. He also loves to scare the bejesus out of Kristyna by sneaking up on her. Sometimes I assist him, sure...

4) I sometimes "airplane" the students, whereby I lift them up by the elbows or armpits and shake them around. After doing this to seven 50 kg children, however, my arms become quite tired. So now I resort to the old sack-a'-potatoes trick: I flip them upside-down and run around the halls with them. I've been kicked in the head a few times.

5) Some of my students think it's fun to try and practice tae kwan do on me. Sure, it's fun. But not when their fists are level with my balls. Blocking those punches is becoming tricky...

6) I give them candy for being good, and sometimes as a bribe to be good. Every now and then, they give ME candy! Sweet! Yea! Are they trying to bribe me?

Pearl and the Beard - Will Smith Medley from Goddamn Cobras Collective on Vimeo.

SWEET-ass song.

Aaaarrrrrggggg

Why is it that everytime I want to buy things, I have to get pangs of conscience about wildly spending money? Now I am thinking about saving money and not buying a motorcycle, or a rice cooker, or a table for my apartment (I eat on the floor), or other things. Damn it! My parents are winning the internal battle in my head, against the voice (my own) that is always telling me to do what I want with the money that I've earned. Although to be honest, I know it's the smart thing to do, particularly in this financial climate. I'm still young, but I feel old. Wtf

In other news, the achievement tests have been taking place since yesterday, finishing today. Right now I am watching two of my students watch me, while the third tries to memorize her lines. They tell me they are done, although I KNOW that as soon as they step on the stage, they will falter and make grave errors.

They are also fascinated by how quickly I type.

I am a bad blogger

I am pretty sure one of my students made a Thinking Project about the future that made fun of September 11th. I joke about a lot of things in my class, and my students know they have free reign to say the silliest things they could think up in in English, but I can't say I've discussed terrorism or national tragedies yet. I'm not sure, so of course I can't get angry. Besides, I'm not exactly teaching cultural sensitivity over here, so it's out of my hands in any case.

Halloween was fun. I went to see the Brown Eyed Girls perform at a PACKED club in Gangnam, Seoul on Saturday evening. It was a good show, but it was horribly hot inside. And when I mean PACKED, I mean that during the entire show, men in suits were standing along the mass of bodies and forming a wall. They didn't want to erect one before the show, no....they opted simply to physically force people back. Being larger and (yes, I would say) more powerful, I secured a nice spot for my friend and I at the front, which made for KILLER footage. It shall be uploaded soon.

I also watched a girl I've been seeing on an open basis drunkenly make-out with my friend, with whom she is also friends. It felt quite strange. I wasn't jealous, but I was certainly disappointed. I'm only bringing this up because it's good to talk about. There's nothing more to it, just that I was disappointed and left to share a couch with her while she snored until morning. JUSTICE: She was so hungover in the morning that I had to go eat alone...wait a minute...

It is getting very cold here. Every day before today I had erred on the side of warmth and been too hot. Today, I took the opposite tact, and nearly froze on my way to work this afternoon. Right now, in the evening, it will be colder than it was at 1 PM today. FML

The things that students produce for Thinking Project (a bi-monthly writing project involving steps that encourage creative English thinking) often make it worth any trouble. Today had one such gem that will keep me laughing for days. I shall share it with you:
The topic was time travel, and for this class, they could only go to the future. For one of their five places and times, James and Brighton decided to go to the year 3000...to "Everyone is Floating Island."

I WANT TO LIVE ON EVERYONE IS FLOATING ISLAND

Awesome. I know.

Another gem from Harry

Harry in Sapling 2 never ceases to disappoint! Here's another story by him that gave me a good chuckle this morning. Just for reference, the original they were to base their own stories off of was about a prairie dog.

Harry was a curious robber boy that lived in a jail in the police officer. One year when Harry asked his mother what was on the other room of the jail, his mother told him there was robbers. Harry was the kind of robber boy that had to see if there was people to see. The next day, he went inside for the jail, and on the way, a policeman caught him. In the jail, the robbers ran outside when a policeman came. But Harry was too far away from the jail. There was nowhere to run, and Harry realized he had to hit him, and he knew he would die.

The Elements of Style

My favorite book ever. I've been re-reading it over the past few days and recalling how much I love words and using them properly. I was always irritated in High School when people would speak gibberish disguised as English.

Here are some excerpts from Misused Words and Expressions:

Clever - Note that the word means one thing when applied to peaople, another when applied to horses. A clever horse is a good-natured one, not an ingenious one.

Enormity - Use only in the sense of "monstrous wickedness." Misleading, if not wrong, when used to express bigness.

Enthuse - An annoying verb growing out of the noun enthusiasm. Not recommended

She was enthused about her new car X

She was enthusiastic about her new car O

Facility - Why must jails, hospitals, and schools suddenly become "facilities"?

Fix - Colloquial in America for arrange, prepare, mend. The usage is well established. But bear in mind that this verb is from figere: "to make firm," "to place definitely." These are the preferred meanings of the word.

Irregardless - Should be regardless. The error results from failure to see the negative in -less and from a desire to get it in as a prefix, suggested by words such as irregular, irresponsible, and, perhaps especially, irrespective.

-ize - Do not coin verbs by adding this tempting suffix. Many good and useful verbs do end in -ize: summarize, fraternize, harmonize, fertilize. But there is a growing list of abominations: containerize, prioritize, finalize, to name three. Be suspicious of -ize; let your ear and your eye guide you. Never tack -ize onto a noun to create a verb. Usually you will discover that a useful verb alreayd exists. Why say "utilize" when there is the simple, unpretentious word use?

Like - Not to be used for the conjunction as. Like governs nouns and pronouns; before phrases and clauses the equivalent word is as.

Chloe smells good, like a baby should X

Chloe smells good, as a baby should O

The use of like for as has its defenders; they argue that any usage that achieves currency becomes valid automatically. This, they say, is the way the language is formed. It is and it isn't. An expression sometimes merely enjoys a vogue, much as an article of apparel does. Like has long been widely misused by the illiterate; lately it has been taken up by the knowing and the well-informed, who find it catchy, or liberating, and who use it as though they were slumming. If every word or device that achieved currecny were immediately authenticated, simply on the ground of popularity, the language would be as chaotic as a ball game without foul lines. For the student, perhaps the most useful thing to know about like is that most carefully edited publications regard its use before phrases and clauses as simple error.

There...I feel much better

I don't get it, and quite frankly, I don't like it

I had met call girls before. My friends seemed to know some of them on a friendly basis. They were all fairly kind, if lacking in English ability. But I am not thick-headed enough to believe they should speak English. They shouldn't have to at all. It is I who needs to learn Korean. I'm still going on the alphabet.

Call girls, by the way, are not prostitutes here like they are back home. They are more like escorts, but in this case, it's not a disguised title for "hooker," either. They come and sing karoke with you, or eat with you. And that brings me to my gripe about last night: my first call girl.

I have a friend who will remain nameless. He knows a call girl on a carnal level, and she is, in fact, quite sweet and fun. While I understand very little of what she is saying, and I'm sure the road is two-way on that, I can tell that she is polite and well-mannered. She would have to be after all, for her success in her chosen profession demands it. Last night, around 2 AM (I know mom, forgive me, out late on a school night. Extraordinary circumstances, I promise), this friend gets a call from Yumi, the call girl, asking what we're up to. We were just on our way to a bar to meet friends, in fact. Yumi says she wants to see us. Knowing Yumi, I am not upset by this idea in the slightest, and believe that she will be joining us at the bar. I am wrong...

We stop in front of a GS 25 nearby and a mini-van pulls up. Out of the van hope Yumi. The windows all go down simultaneously, revealing a male driver (who looks surprisingly cheerful) and three more girls. It's like a party van! I think. Yumi and look chat for a minute while the van waits. Friend turns to me and says "which one do you like?" I am taken aback by this. It's not like picking an abused cat out at the animal shelter, for chrissakes! These are human beings! Still, I understand the way of things, and I "select" (ugh) a girl. She is cute and, compared to Yumi, alarmingly short. She looks a bit like Sarah Jessica Parker, but the Korean version. The van drives away. This girl immediately attaches herself to my arm and smiles at me in a very creepy way. I am already uncomfortable.

We got to a restaurant and sit in a booth. I sit next to Ji-an, and Friend next to Yumi. We all "chat" while soju and beer is ordered. Beer for me thanks, the ladies had the soju. Ballsy. I had to respect that. They order some chicken. She has her hand on my leg, on my shoulder, touching my face (wtf?) and, at times, tightly grasping my own hand. I don't know how to behave. I know jackshit about this girl and she acts like we've been dating for months.

When the food comes (saucy looking chicken legs, delightful!), we are only given two forks. I don't get it. But in 30 seconds, I do: the girls use the forks to feed both themselves and Friend and I. I haven't been fucking fork-fed a meal since I didn't even have a functioning memory yet, and I'm pretty sure I didn't like it then - I still don't like it now. She even wipes my mouth with her fingers instead of a napkin. THERE ARE NAPKINS ON THE TABLE AND I HAVE TWO WORKING HANDS. I am completely baffled. While I understand all the while that this is what they do for a job, I do not like it. Still, I don't want to make everyone uncomfortable, so I endure this invalid treatment. The only thing I do for myself is pour her soju (which she constantly had to prompt me to do as well, my bad on that one I suppose) and drink my own beer. And try and talk.

Then the phones come out. She starts taking pictures of myself and her. I try smiling in a few and she doesn't seem to like that. I then put on my best "I'm a model and I am trying to look like I don't care about anything" face, and she loves it. She kisses me on the cheek for one, I kiss her on the cheek for one...it's all so cute I nearly vomited. Meanwhile, Friend and Yumi are having the BEST of times, giggling and picture-taking like gangbusters! I feel like I'm missing something.

Then she takes my phone. She looks through every single picture, and the ones that are of girls, she looks at me with a pouty face and asks, "girlfriend?" I reply "no" every time. She seems unsatisfied. She takes four pictures on my phone, each one of me trying to remain expressionless and her covering half her mouth while looking surprised. I now understand why there are photobooths and karaoke machines everywhere in this country: everyone wants to be a star, in movies or music, or both. With these outlets, they can be.

End of the night, we walk them back to their van. They leave. After the van leaves, I get a phone call. It is Ji-an, rambling to me in Korean. I use my entire Korean vocabulary, even calling on Friend to aid me, and in the end I put him on the phone. She wants to see me again on Sunday. I said yes. I ask Friend what I should do for a date. He replies "what we did tonight," followed by some other suggestions that I won't repeat. I am not looking forward to it.

So I am left begging the question: Am I Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, only I'm not loaded?

I just want to meet a normal girl to make my girlfriend.

FUCK, I need to learn Korean.

Observations n' things

- There are ashtrays in nearly every bathroom you go into. There are also public bathrooms in many buildings that are always open on the ground floor. These bathrooms are typically for men AND women, with an equal number of stalls and urinals. These make me uncomfortable.
- I am trying to quit smoking. I have had 10 or so cigarettes in the past 5 days. It feels both good and bad at the same time, you know? It gets more difficult to resist when I drink. Therefore, I am also trying to drink less. Stupid non-smoking forcing me to non-drink.
- I am in love with my television and speakers.
- I am not in love with the ever-present stench that infests my apartment STILL. I have tried everything short of sulfuric acid (which smells like farts, so no thanks) and hydrocholoric acid (pipes melt, no thanks). Seriously, if anyone has any suggestions on how to clean grey-plastic pipes, I would love to know how.
- I was called "boy" the other day by a Korean man eating with his family. I wasn't sure how to respond, or if it was even acceptable for him to call me that (my experience at home has taught me that it's not), and it made me uncomfortable. I smiled my best "fuck you very much" smile I could and walked out.
- A few weeks ago at a bar I had to lie about having a girlfriend to keep a girl off of me. Oddly enough, she was Irish, and we both knew people who had gone to DCU. I was torn between wanting to reminisce about Ireland and wanting to keep her hands off my love handles. I found some weird balance between the two involving always supplying a beer in her hand and frequently using the bathroom. I'm surprised she didn't ask me if I had a bladder problem.
- I now officially integrate Korean with my English i.e. "Wanna get a few mekchus?" and "Dude, he's such a pyonte."
- I have little sauce stains on almost every article of clothing that I own. I can't find a dry cleaning place anywhere. Do Asians really just move to America to open dry cleaning places but have none of them here? HOW DO THEY EVEN KNOW THEY EXIST THEN?!
- On November 20th, Assassins Creed 2 comes out. Could somebody please buy it and send it to me? It won't come out here for months, and I cannot wait that long to aid Encio in his quest to exterminate such evil men...although in the last one, it turned out that all the guys you killed weren't so bad, and your bossman was the baddie! Plot twist!
- I accidentally bought Resident Evil 5 a few weeks ago. It is the exact same as Resident Evil 4. Therefore, it sucks. But I have to finish it on principle. On the contrary, F.E.A.R. 2 has me quivering with ____ nearly every night!
- I'm trying to buy a motorcycle for a reasonable price. I've found a few in Seoul, but you can't drive motorcycles on the highway here, presumably so the crazy Korean drivers can't kill you with their cars and poor driving skills. Also, I've never ridden a motorcycle, but what better incentive to learn than having one of your own to always practice on? I've been pantomiming gear-shifting with the help of some experienced friends. I feel pretty confident now.
- I should be coming home for Christmas, from the 25th to the 30th. I want to do the following:
Eat a Nathan's hotdog...
Go to K-Town and order dinner in Korean...
Go to Eugene Lang and visit professors...
Go to a nightclub where you can't wear t-shirts or tennis shoes...
Go to a dive bar...
Go to the Production Lounge...
Write an article for the newspaper about teaching abroad (Kate?)...
- Saw two guys passed out in the street a few nights ago at about 2 AM. Just laying there in the middle of the street. What if a car needed to drive through?
- There's a really cool building being built across the street from my hagwon. I wish I was living there...

That's all for now. Time to prep for classes.

Sapling-level Excellence!

Sapling level is for those students who are nearly fluent. They can form basic sentences, understand most English questions when I speak at a normal pace, and just need their vocabulary increased bit by bit. I only have 3 Sapling students this semester, and Stella is the brightest of the three. Harry is the least bright...but today, he made up for that with this INCREDIBLY LONG story for Storytelling! Check it out! Average length is perhaps a quarter of this, mind you.

One day, Harry, the leader of the earth, went to the space to help a rocket which was attacked by bad aliens. When he saw his friends in the rocket all die, he cried. That night, Harry told Max, the astronaut that he would like to become a strong alien and protect the space. Harry had the power to change the human into the other being. The other astronauts heard what Harry told Max, and also wanted to be a strong alien. However, Harry didn't allow all of them. So, Harry suggested a contest. The contest was about going to the Sun quickly and bringing the fire to Harry. Harry knew that nobody could go near the Sun. The astronauts also knew, that everybody is going to die when they go near the sun. So, the astronauts didn't go to the sun, and they just got fire from gas range and match. However, there was one person who really went to the sun. It was Max. Max went to the sun and tried to get fire from it. However, he couldn't because the sun was too hot. So, he came back with no fire. Finally, all the astronauts came. Only Max didn't have fire. He was embarrased. He knew that he wasn't going to win the contest. Harry knew that other astronauts didn't go to the sun. So, Max became the strong alien who protect the space. In space, Max killed all the bad aliens, and the space bacame peaceful.

Where The Wild Things Are

I can't wait for this movie to come out! And everyone seemed to believe that Arcade Fire was going to do the soundtrack for it. Probably because they use an AF song for the preview.

But no! Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeah's is going to do it, along with the help from some of her friends, fellow bandmates and such.

I don't like the Yeah Yeah Yeah's, so I hope this lady doesn't ruin a great movie with her music.

Korean infrastructure

Coming from Brooklyn, New York, I've always thought that urban development was best exampled in neighborhoods like Fort Greene, Park Slope, and Brooklyn Heights. The even mix between old-school hardware and supply stores (although my old one was recently replaced with a beer garden, or bier garten...same difference), a variety of restaurants, nifty shops and clothing stores, and bars made those places pleasant to walk around, day and night. Sometimes, you could even count on the attention to urban planning with meticulously detailed lamp posts, or redone street signs. The little things tend to get noticed these days in the times of Blu-Ray flat screen TVs.

I was always comforted by tall buildings surrounding me, every square inch of land being used to build a new apartment building. Not many hospitals and libraries being built these days, but everyone always needs housing. They might be overpriced, but at least it will put a roof over someones head.

Coming here to Korea, specifically Technovalley, Daejon, things aren't quite the same. I'm used to the 3-and-4 story buildings on either side, and the "corner stores," or GS 25 as they are here, basically your 7-Eleven. I live in one of these small apartment buildings. They are quite common where I live.

But no further than 100 yards away lies one of several massive apartment complexes, each one 15 to 18 stories tall. And this isn't your average NYC red-brick project housing development. These buildings all have different styles of architecture. It's actually pleasant to look at. Each building has a number prominently displayed on either side, generally up towards the top of the building so everyone can see it. From my small window at work, I can see nearly 14 buildings, and of those 14, I can see 6 numbers. I would venture a guess that nearly every group has about 9 buildings, since the numbers I see all vary between 6 and 9. I've seen some in the teens in Seoul.

Back home, if you've seen one project, you've seen them all. The only difference is the name of the housing project (Marcy, Fort Greene, Stuy Town, etc.). Otherwise, every brick and fence is the same.

Here in Korea, this foresight to grow not only outwards but upwards avoids the current problem in America of urban sprawl. They are building train lines everywhere, streamlining transit from every corner of the country. Public buses run everywhere, and even though they stop at night, parking is still very easy to find here. Not only are parking lots not endangered yet in Korea, there is also something very unusual here.
My apartment building lies right next to a cabbage field. Across the street is another field growing something else, maybe potatoes. They are not as crazed about using land for some money-making scheme. I don't know yet if the cabbage is given to all the restaurants in the area, but if it is, I have moved to a farmer's paradise.

School is about to start now, so I must end this. I will try and add some pictures soon, when I find my camera cord.

Sitting in my apartment listening to Piebald, drinking beer, waiting for friends to arrive so we can go out on a Friday night. Life is swell!

My friend Luke just arrived. And right behind him is Kristyna Cailotto, whose name we all just spelled. You see, I am typing this on television. My very large television. I feel quite good about owning it. It is a first for me. Ha ha. Ha.

Okay, I just wanted to add this for real, but now that my friends is here, the idea of blogging is extremely antisocial. I will go.

I hope people read this! Someone, please comment. Otherwise...I don't know. I will write more boring things. I like to think that some of you read this. Let me know, yea? Nice.

One of my students scored a 5 today on his review test. JEEZ, that's really. bad. 5 points shy of an F. I gave him a C-. Ds don't exist here.

What's the best part of the week?

I've been pondering this question for many days now. I've never really liked the idea of getting out of work and going home to eat and do nothing before bed. It doesn't feel right. I won't lie, I like to go out often. That's why college was so darned perfect -starting your day at 2 PM with nothing to do but speak about a story you might not have read was easy as pie.

Now I wake up late still, yes, but I am on my toes all day long. These kids will eat you alive if you slip up!

Sure, it's still a cushy job by most standards. I'm certainly not complaining. More mourning the fact that in order to be able to function here, I have to calm myself down. I'm not ready for middle-age! I want to keep partying like a rock star. This whole partying-only-on-the-weekends is unnatural to me. Also, it means that Sunday is entirely wasted, and Monday I feel terrible. Although there is some logic in it, I suppose. Mostly that for the working week, I feel pretty good every day. A bit tired, but mostly fine.

I need to learn to control my temper. I flipped hard on a student the other day and gave him two penalty stamps at one time, which is a HUGE deal. About 15 seconds later, I regretted it. Although he was disobeying a direct rule by playing his Nintendo DS in class (for the second time), and when I asked for it, he tried to just put it in his pocket and tell me it was OK. It was not OK, but one penalty stamp should have been the punishment. I was so infuriated that he would just completely disregard me (the first time it has happened), that I went bananas on him. He;s a great kid, too! Very smart, almost always polite and well-behaved. Quiet, yes, but not to a fault. He became very somber immediately after, and I'm pretty sure he was cursing at me in Korean. But I was confident I shouldn't do any more to him. My co-teacher, Nathan, agreed that two penalty stamps was a bit much.

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I really enjoy my life here! Things are cheap, it's a good thing I'm an omnivore, soju and makkeoli are pretty tasty, and I like the Korean sense of humor. Those seem to be the things in life I care about. Also, if you like karaoke (noraebang), Korea is your place! I'm an occasional fan.

I really could see myself staying here for another year, maybe more. I would like to try and find a different school, where I get a break in the middle of the day, but I could keep working here if I needed to. We'll see how things go.

A List of Things I Do Every Day in Korea
- Drink green tea
- Play Xbox
- Watch Korean TV shows. I don't understand a word (a few here and there), but they must be funny as hell.
- Use the bathroom
- Mark workbooks and chunk books with red crayons
- Listen to my iPod in my classroom while grading review tests
- Grade review tests
- Write on the white board. Just yesterday, I explained what "wander" meant, and then tried to teach my students the synonym "meander." I think they learned it!
- Attempt to control rambunctious children
- Remind children that they only have 3 minutes before class, so if they have to use the bathroom or drink water, they must do so NOW.
- Count down from 10, 5, or 3 and watch them all scurry back into class.
- Play some silly story that typically deals with feeling alone and being hated by things (balloons, horses, ghosts, weird aliens, your parents, etc.)
- Eat a bagel with PB & J and drink a Double Americano.
- Go eat samkyopsal, which is Korean BBQ. It's cheap, filling, and delicious.
- Think about reading, and then just turn on my flat screen with my 7 speakers and watch some crazy TV show, or a movie. Shawshank Redemption with Korean subtitles, maybe?
- Turn on my computer, projector, air conditioner, monitor, and speakers.
- Take my shoes off before I sit on the floor of a restaurant, or before I enter my, or anyone's, apartment.
- Look on GMarket and think about what kind of small table I should purchase.
- Smoke
- Beat awayJunomamaes, chinese moths that fly like kamikazes and love to land on your clothing.
- Lend kids erasers or pencils
- Dole out hand sanitizer to one child who sneezed in their hands, and then suffer the begging voices of every other student who wants hand sanitizer. It's so strange...
- Tell certain children that their apathetic attitude will only do them a disservice in this classroom, as well as in life in general. Received with blank stares.
- Wake Jason up at least 4 times a class.
- Try and convince Junior Master students they should be trying to read more challenging books, like War of the Worlds, or The Red Badge of Courage. They prefer The Magic Schoolbus.
- Think about going to bed before 1, and fail.
- Unclog my toilet.
- Unclog it again.

You guys remember that "journalist" who threw his shoes at George Bush in Iraq? He's getting out of a 3-year jail sentence after only 9 months! Bonus!

I have a cold and am losing my voice, two things that definitely suck. I am pretty sure I've gotten sick from my students, one of whom coughed on my hand on Thursday. She can't be blamed, though. She's only about five, and I was handing her a pencil at the time. I can only hope she doesn't do it again.

And I am smoking too much. I am trying to quit as we speak, and some of you know that's not an easy thing to do. While cigarettes are about $2 a pack, and a 40 is roughly $4, I find myself really wanting to join a gym and get back in the shape I was in when I was in Ireland. Being taller than most Korean guys is one thing - being the body mass of two, or three of them is another entirely. Some of these guys are so thin it's god damned ridiculous. And some of the girls are so skinny that it's almost annoying. In a sad way.

I have been going out quite a bit. Korea sure is a fun place to go out at night, the bars and dancing are pretty fun. And, if you know me, you know I never pass up an opportunity to get some dancing in when the music is good. Sure, I look semi-retarded, but I don't give a poop. Some this K-music sure is catchy. I wish you lot could hear my ring tone. Here's a youtube link to what my ringtone is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MgAxMO1KD0&feature=fvsr

NOTE: "Yobseyo" is what you say when you answer the phone, so they're being hung up on by their boyfriends, or boys. And "chingu" means friend, so I imagine she's talking about her friends not liking him. The one in the vest is my favorite.

And my phone is sweet as fuck. Coincidentally, it is also called the Ice Cream. Vanilla flavor, I suppose.

Time to get ready for another sweet day of teaching kids.

Moving on

My last few minutes in the hotel room. I enjoyed the view. For some reason, I'm not taking a picture. But take my word for it when I say it is quite good on the 9th floor. Situated in the more modern portion of Seoul south of the river, every main street has large buildings on each side, but smaller, more residential ones in the middle along various side streets that always seem to be two-way.

I've been getting really into Bill Withers this week. I think I got my temporary roommate hooked on him, too. We both whistle "Use Me" quite a bit. Well, he mostly sings and I whistle. On the crowded train, for instance. Oh yes, it gets quite crowded. Getting off requires some serious gusto and rudeness. Apparently there is no Korean word for "please," and we've all forgotten how to say "pardon me." So we just say "mian hanmida," which means "sorry."

I find out my address today. I was a bit peeved that they wouldn't give it to me until I actually get there for shipping purposes, but there's no point in being upset about that any further. I'm going to be taking a long bus ride to Daejeon (pronounced "Taejon"). I'm not looking forward to it, but I know for a fact that the Korean buses that go long distance are FAR more comfortable than any Greyhound or Fung Wah.

I miss everyone terribly, but I'm still so excited to be here that it trumps any homesickness I feel. I'm sure that I'll feel a wave hit me when I'm alone in my apartment with no internet and no cell phone for a week or six. No Xbox, either. That's a real downer for me.

This may be my last post for quite some time. I won't write from my school for fear that they may discover this blog, in which I am sure to write some negative comments about the company. Keep thinking positive thoughts, I must.

Seoul

I arrived in Seoul on Wednesday. It is Saturday. It is very strange to finally be here.

Coming to Korea was such a concept before I realized it was a reality. I wasn't really thinking about how drastically my life would change once I got here. So far things haven't become too different, except I do need to start taking this whole "teaching job" thing a bit more seriously. Example: in a meeting yesterday, the first of many, we took some tests for various topics (one of which I failed. The Codes of Conduct portion. This will shortly become sadly ironic):

I answered a question about inappropriate conduct by saying "jackshit." Professional, right

Good talking with you all.

Try walking a mile in her face

Holy buckets, they actually transplanted a lady's face. Before and after right there:



Seriously, no matter what you say: that is an improvement.

*Ahem*

I got into Aclipse.

I'm going to South Korea.

Yesssssss.

Dear people in New York who forget how to walk

Quick tutorial: left, right, left, right.

That's not my only point, though. The reason I feel I need to remind you how to walk is because sometimes you abruptly stop moving. Normally wherever you are, this isn't a problem. If you're casually strolling in the woods, abruptly stop all you like. You can abruptly stop all the live-long day.

But if you're in New York City, where the streets are full of people -- angry, hateful, violent people -- then you need to remember that to stop in the middle of the sidewalk is to invite your own death upon your skull. It's a good thing New Yorkers like myself are agile, or I would've walked into many a dumb mother fucker by now.

What you should learn from this: If you ever feel the need to abruptly stop, for whatever reason (that you can't do these while moving): make a phone call, pick a wedgie, light a cigarette -- move to either side of the sidewalk, out of the way, and stand still for as long as you want.

In other news: Jumped through the first hoop with my current business venture. Waiting to see if my landing was acceptable.

7 Ways to Save Your Own Life From Yourself

I've joined a site very recently that seems like it might work out in my favor. Too early to tell, but the point of this is that I read a post (they feature blogs, either linked or posted on the site itself) by a girl, Meaghan, who was pointing out how easy it is to Google someone and discover so much about them. She does have a fairly unique name, and so, as an experiment, I googled her and turned up quite a bit. I was able to view multiple profiles on various sites, pictures, her Twitter, etc.

In response to that, and to alleviate some of the tension I am feeling due to this test (read: impending doom) tomorrow, I decided to get some thoughts out of my head. Specifically, thoughts on how to not be revealed as a fool on the internet, and therefore, to everyone in the world that you don't know but might want to know/be hired by. Some of these will be speedballin'...

1. Remove any pictures of you that have any association with alcohol whatsoever. Doesn't matter how funny you think they are, potential employers won't see the humor.

2. Stop using Twitter. It's a pathetic waste of time.

3. If you have an iPhone, chuck it into the nearest river or storm drain. It.will.destroy.you.

4. Twitter or not, don't change your status on Facebook every 10 minutes. In fact, don't change it at all, and try socializing. FACT: Since status changes have begun, passive-aggressive behavior in teens has risen by %4,367,245.

5. If you are one of those people that sits with their laptop on while they watch TV, you are the reason the planet is dying. I have ADHD, and even I can choose one thing at a time. You're probably posting some dumb shit that will incriminate you on the internet anyway, so save yourself the trouble and focus on whatever you're watching.

6. Please. If someone friends you on Facebook because you met them once at a party, and you only just remembered their name because you see it next to their picture on the glowing screen before you, click "Reject." Friendships are becoming cheaper than the dollar, and this whole new term "ex-best friend" is BEYOND upsetting.

7. Set your facebook profile to the most private of settings on all fronts. Believe me when I say this will make life easier and smoother. I know too many people who have family members that were talked into joining facecrack, decided to search their nephew/daughter/grandson to "friend" them (just pathetic...), and then comes a phone call asking about what the Eiffel Tower has to do with Chad and Mark's dorm room. Guy or girl, that's embarassing.

I hope this can help some of you. I also hope this will find its way into this new website I've joined, so i can save my generation from looking worse than the people in the 80s. Bad hair and clothes aside, they had their privacy on lock. Pen and ink diaries are becoming dusty relics, and these blogs and vlogs are penetrating every orifice of the internet with stuff, lots and lots of stuff. We need less these days. Simply provide the beast with less, and it can infect you with less. Simple, non?

Note to anyone who has ever seen Spirited Away: Remember the giant evil black blob monster? Think of that thing as the internet. Every embarassing thing you do and toss casually into the abyss goes into his mouth, and he grows...and grows...and, well, you know...

Now choke that mother fucker and get your dignity back!

Well, I have studied for my Japanese test, but I'm still awake right now, and I have a killer stomach ache. But today was still really good.

I can't do much until I hear from Aclipse sometime this week. I'm beginning to get nervous, because if Aclipse doesn't work out, I am not sure what I'll do. I might just take off and see what happens. I really don't know.

While I ponder this, I can't help getting this quote out of my head. It's from some movie that I can't recall, but the quote is:

There are two kinds of travelers in this world: Those that travel to seek adventure, and those that travel to avoid adventure.

I fudged the quote up quite a bit, but the sentiment is clear. I worry that I might be one of those folks that doesn't actively seek adventure when they travel. If I do one thing this year, it will be to prove myself wrong about that.

Meanwhile, I can't stop thinking that I'm going to end up like Chris McCandless.

I just discovered a friend of mine has a blog. I would like to link our blogs, so that people who read our blogs can read them both...now how do I do that...Does this thing operate like Facebook?

My paycheck is so measly that trying to save money is very difficult. And yet, while I'm trying to save, I keep comforting myself with the fact that all I asked for for my birthday was money, and that since I'm no longer taking my road trip, I'm selling a 2000 Buick La Sabre with only 39k miles on it (ANYBODY?! THAT'S A GREAT F'ING CAR) immediately. I could probably get 3k from it, and I feel like on top of my birthday cash, I'd be pretty set. So this is my logic for being okay with not really saving that much money. Just so you know, "measly" in this case equals $60. A week. The normal week of 7 days, not some transdimensional 4-day week, either.

And if I keep writing this, I'm going to be late for Japanese class. Study sesh tonight with the squad, right after x-rays and form filing. I have so much FUN these days.

I applied to Aclipse a few days ago, and they liked my resume and want to talk with me about some more stuff. I know I haven't passed a difficult stage in getting this far, though, so I'm just waiting for things to get hard and I hope I don't fall short again.

Looking back on it, I think I performed poorly in my interview for the job. I forgot the particular job and culture I was trying to become a part of, and I think I was too excitable and enthusiastic, possibly too loud and may have, oddly, seemed too confident, which i heard was a bad thing. They don't want someone who thinks they've got things totally nailed. I don't think they knew that I become overly talkative and seem overly confident when I'm nervous. It certainly wouldn't have helped things if I had opened the interview with:

"Hey, so yea, I just want to let you guys know that I get suuuuper chatty when I'm nervous. Okay, let's get this bitch rollin'!"

Yup. Crappity-crap.

AAwwwwwwwwwww

I received an e-mail from JET last night.

I am an Alternate. That's not good, but not bad, either. It means that I have a potential waiting period of mid-April to mid-December to find out if I'm fully accepted or not. No, that's not a long time at all...

Amidst all this, I still have to complete two forms that both deal with the government, meaning it will take a fucking retarded long time for them to get things back to me. I don't know why JET needs an X-ray of my lungs (cancer, but really? They wanna know if I have cancer?), and I get the FBI background check, but do they really think that if I were some sort of serious criminal, I would be applying to teach in Japan through the Japanese government? Then again, they might have something on me that I don't even know about. Good thing I'm not a political activist.

I'm making good progress on my story, and an old flame is being rekindled nicely :-) Happiness is abundant, and it would be on for today IF it wasn't so fucking cold in mid-April. Old Man Weather needs to get his ass in gear and correct this promptly.

After reading somewhere that taking a 1-hour bath was equivalent to 4 hours of good sleep, I've decided to really get in touch with my feminine side and take a bath with some music and a book today. I figure if I'm in by 5, out by 6, with enough time to prepare before leaving at 7 for dinner and a show, I should feel like a million bucks, right? Let's hope so.

I'm failing Japanese, but it's not essential for me to graduate, so I'm okay with failing my first class in my (second attempt at a) college career. Besides, it's ridiculously difficult and moving way too quickly. I've got Hiragana down pretty well, but Katakana still escapes me. We're having a quiz on Kanji next week...yea, okay.

I got a good deal of quality writing done today. So to celebrate, I bought an album on iTunes for $5.99. I am creeping closer and closer to that the realm of insufficient funds, and I must watch my spending more closely.

In an effort to prevent my checking account from being raped (again), I am finally going to cash in my change jar. I think I'm going to do it at the Food Emporium in Union Square, which means I have to lug all that change around for approximately 2.5 hours before I can cash it in. Perhaps I should enlist a friend as a bodyguard. People won't be able to see that I'm walking with money, they'll be able to hear me.

I found out that I am an Alternate for JET this evening. Not fully accepted, but half-accepted. I'm basically on the waiting list.

Crap.

Food for thought

Sometimes I walk down the street and look at people, wondering:

Have they been in a porno before?

p.s. think of how many different varieties of porn there are.

Keep...forgetting to...post stuff

Here's an interesting story:

I was just browsing the internet, and decided to check up on tech news. You know, stay up to date on things. And I'm fucking shocked. By something else, not the news.

Within the past year, beginning almost precisely within the first week of January, I have become obsessed with the British show Top Gear. This show is hilarious, informative, and features beautiful, jaw-dropping vehicles. I don't want to bother explaining it, but part of it's attraction (for me at least) is the witty banter and chemistry the three hosts (Richard Hammon, Jeremy Clarkson, and James May, all of whose names I know by heart) have in nearly every episode.

So I had just watched the most recent episode for the third time last night, the extended one where they travel throughout Vietnam, and decided I would check up on the status of electric cars across the world. I googled some things, you know, that you google about electric vehicles, and I was lead to a Gizmodo link about a German car company THAT WAS WRITTEN BY AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE.

Holy crap! Elaine is the first person I know that is making it in the world of writing online. Kudos to you, Elaine! I immediately wrote her and exclaimed my amazement at her success. Surely I will try and catch some jetstreams on her coat tails, if you know what I mean.

And so, after reading her blurbs, and discovering an even more esteemed position that she's acquired, I have been inspired by Elaine to keep this ruddy thing up-to-date.

We'll see how that goes.

I am having trouble writing my senior work. It's difficult when you often stay up late. I need to develop a more thorough work ethic. Ugh.

I lost my job, but then I got it back. It was nice, even though it's still pretty awful. But I do need to suck it up. I do need money after all.

And I've met a girl. Ooooooooh baby.