Another gem from Harry

Harry in Sapling 2 never ceases to disappoint! Here's another story by him that gave me a good chuckle this morning. Just for reference, the original they were to base their own stories off of was about a prairie dog.

Harry was a curious robber boy that lived in a jail in the police officer. One year when Harry asked his mother what was on the other room of the jail, his mother told him there was robbers. Harry was the kind of robber boy that had to see if there was people to see. The next day, he went inside for the jail, and on the way, a policeman caught him. In the jail, the robbers ran outside when a policeman came. But Harry was too far away from the jail. There was nowhere to run, and Harry realized he had to hit him, and he knew he would die.

The Elements of Style

My favorite book ever. I've been re-reading it over the past few days and recalling how much I love words and using them properly. I was always irritated in High School when people would speak gibberish disguised as English.

Here are some excerpts from Misused Words and Expressions:

Clever - Note that the word means one thing when applied to peaople, another when applied to horses. A clever horse is a good-natured one, not an ingenious one.

Enormity - Use only in the sense of "monstrous wickedness." Misleading, if not wrong, when used to express bigness.

Enthuse - An annoying verb growing out of the noun enthusiasm. Not recommended

She was enthused about her new car X

She was enthusiastic about her new car O

Facility - Why must jails, hospitals, and schools suddenly become "facilities"?

Fix - Colloquial in America for arrange, prepare, mend. The usage is well established. But bear in mind that this verb is from figere: "to make firm," "to place definitely." These are the preferred meanings of the word.

Irregardless - Should be regardless. The error results from failure to see the negative in -less and from a desire to get it in as a prefix, suggested by words such as irregular, irresponsible, and, perhaps especially, irrespective.

-ize - Do not coin verbs by adding this tempting suffix. Many good and useful verbs do end in -ize: summarize, fraternize, harmonize, fertilize. But there is a growing list of abominations: containerize, prioritize, finalize, to name three. Be suspicious of -ize; let your ear and your eye guide you. Never tack -ize onto a noun to create a verb. Usually you will discover that a useful verb alreayd exists. Why say "utilize" when there is the simple, unpretentious word use?

Like - Not to be used for the conjunction as. Like governs nouns and pronouns; before phrases and clauses the equivalent word is as.

Chloe smells good, like a baby should X

Chloe smells good, as a baby should O

The use of like for as has its defenders; they argue that any usage that achieves currency becomes valid automatically. This, they say, is the way the language is formed. It is and it isn't. An expression sometimes merely enjoys a vogue, much as an article of apparel does. Like has long been widely misused by the illiterate; lately it has been taken up by the knowing and the well-informed, who find it catchy, or liberating, and who use it as though they were slumming. If every word or device that achieved currecny were immediately authenticated, simply on the ground of popularity, the language would be as chaotic as a ball game without foul lines. For the student, perhaps the most useful thing to know about like is that most carefully edited publications regard its use before phrases and clauses as simple error.

There...I feel much better

I don't get it, and quite frankly, I don't like it

I had met call girls before. My friends seemed to know some of them on a friendly basis. They were all fairly kind, if lacking in English ability. But I am not thick-headed enough to believe they should speak English. They shouldn't have to at all. It is I who needs to learn Korean. I'm still going on the alphabet.

Call girls, by the way, are not prostitutes here like they are back home. They are more like escorts, but in this case, it's not a disguised title for "hooker," either. They come and sing karoke with you, or eat with you. And that brings me to my gripe about last night: my first call girl.

I have a friend who will remain nameless. He knows a call girl on a carnal level, and she is, in fact, quite sweet and fun. While I understand very little of what she is saying, and I'm sure the road is two-way on that, I can tell that she is polite and well-mannered. She would have to be after all, for her success in her chosen profession demands it. Last night, around 2 AM (I know mom, forgive me, out late on a school night. Extraordinary circumstances, I promise), this friend gets a call from Yumi, the call girl, asking what we're up to. We were just on our way to a bar to meet friends, in fact. Yumi says she wants to see us. Knowing Yumi, I am not upset by this idea in the slightest, and believe that she will be joining us at the bar. I am wrong...

We stop in front of a GS 25 nearby and a mini-van pulls up. Out of the van hope Yumi. The windows all go down simultaneously, revealing a male driver (who looks surprisingly cheerful) and three more girls. It's like a party van! I think. Yumi and look chat for a minute while the van waits. Friend turns to me and says "which one do you like?" I am taken aback by this. It's not like picking an abused cat out at the animal shelter, for chrissakes! These are human beings! Still, I understand the way of things, and I "select" (ugh) a girl. She is cute and, compared to Yumi, alarmingly short. She looks a bit like Sarah Jessica Parker, but the Korean version. The van drives away. This girl immediately attaches herself to my arm and smiles at me in a very creepy way. I am already uncomfortable.

We got to a restaurant and sit in a booth. I sit next to Ji-an, and Friend next to Yumi. We all "chat" while soju and beer is ordered. Beer for me thanks, the ladies had the soju. Ballsy. I had to respect that. They order some chicken. She has her hand on my leg, on my shoulder, touching my face (wtf?) and, at times, tightly grasping my own hand. I don't know how to behave. I know jackshit about this girl and she acts like we've been dating for months.

When the food comes (saucy looking chicken legs, delightful!), we are only given two forks. I don't get it. But in 30 seconds, I do: the girls use the forks to feed both themselves and Friend and I. I haven't been fucking fork-fed a meal since I didn't even have a functioning memory yet, and I'm pretty sure I didn't like it then - I still don't like it now. She even wipes my mouth with her fingers instead of a napkin. THERE ARE NAPKINS ON THE TABLE AND I HAVE TWO WORKING HANDS. I am completely baffled. While I understand all the while that this is what they do for a job, I do not like it. Still, I don't want to make everyone uncomfortable, so I endure this invalid treatment. The only thing I do for myself is pour her soju (which she constantly had to prompt me to do as well, my bad on that one I suppose) and drink my own beer. And try and talk.

Then the phones come out. She starts taking pictures of myself and her. I try smiling in a few and she doesn't seem to like that. I then put on my best "I'm a model and I am trying to look like I don't care about anything" face, and she loves it. She kisses me on the cheek for one, I kiss her on the cheek for one...it's all so cute I nearly vomited. Meanwhile, Friend and Yumi are having the BEST of times, giggling and picture-taking like gangbusters! I feel like I'm missing something.

Then she takes my phone. She looks through every single picture, and the ones that are of girls, she looks at me with a pouty face and asks, "girlfriend?" I reply "no" every time. She seems unsatisfied. She takes four pictures on my phone, each one of me trying to remain expressionless and her covering half her mouth while looking surprised. I now understand why there are photobooths and karaoke machines everywhere in this country: everyone wants to be a star, in movies or music, or both. With these outlets, they can be.

End of the night, we walk them back to their van. They leave. After the van leaves, I get a phone call. It is Ji-an, rambling to me in Korean. I use my entire Korean vocabulary, even calling on Friend to aid me, and in the end I put him on the phone. She wants to see me again on Sunday. I said yes. I ask Friend what I should do for a date. He replies "what we did tonight," followed by some other suggestions that I won't repeat. I am not looking forward to it.

So I am left begging the question: Am I Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, only I'm not loaded?

I just want to meet a normal girl to make my girlfriend.

FUCK, I need to learn Korean.

Observations n' things

- There are ashtrays in nearly every bathroom you go into. There are also public bathrooms in many buildings that are always open on the ground floor. These bathrooms are typically for men AND women, with an equal number of stalls and urinals. These make me uncomfortable.
- I am trying to quit smoking. I have had 10 or so cigarettes in the past 5 days. It feels both good and bad at the same time, you know? It gets more difficult to resist when I drink. Therefore, I am also trying to drink less. Stupid non-smoking forcing me to non-drink.
- I am in love with my television and speakers.
- I am not in love with the ever-present stench that infests my apartment STILL. I have tried everything short of sulfuric acid (which smells like farts, so no thanks) and hydrocholoric acid (pipes melt, no thanks). Seriously, if anyone has any suggestions on how to clean grey-plastic pipes, I would love to know how.
- I was called "boy" the other day by a Korean man eating with his family. I wasn't sure how to respond, or if it was even acceptable for him to call me that (my experience at home has taught me that it's not), and it made me uncomfortable. I smiled my best "fuck you very much" smile I could and walked out.
- A few weeks ago at a bar I had to lie about having a girlfriend to keep a girl off of me. Oddly enough, she was Irish, and we both knew people who had gone to DCU. I was torn between wanting to reminisce about Ireland and wanting to keep her hands off my love handles. I found some weird balance between the two involving always supplying a beer in her hand and frequently using the bathroom. I'm surprised she didn't ask me if I had a bladder problem.
- I now officially integrate Korean with my English i.e. "Wanna get a few mekchus?" and "Dude, he's such a pyonte."
- I have little sauce stains on almost every article of clothing that I own. I can't find a dry cleaning place anywhere. Do Asians really just move to America to open dry cleaning places but have none of them here? HOW DO THEY EVEN KNOW THEY EXIST THEN?!
- On November 20th, Assassins Creed 2 comes out. Could somebody please buy it and send it to me? It won't come out here for months, and I cannot wait that long to aid Encio in his quest to exterminate such evil men...although in the last one, it turned out that all the guys you killed weren't so bad, and your bossman was the baddie! Plot twist!
- I accidentally bought Resident Evil 5 a few weeks ago. It is the exact same as Resident Evil 4. Therefore, it sucks. But I have to finish it on principle. On the contrary, F.E.A.R. 2 has me quivering with ____ nearly every night!
- I'm trying to buy a motorcycle for a reasonable price. I've found a few in Seoul, but you can't drive motorcycles on the highway here, presumably so the crazy Korean drivers can't kill you with their cars and poor driving skills. Also, I've never ridden a motorcycle, but what better incentive to learn than having one of your own to always practice on? I've been pantomiming gear-shifting with the help of some experienced friends. I feel pretty confident now.
- I should be coming home for Christmas, from the 25th to the 30th. I want to do the following:
Eat a Nathan's hotdog...
Go to K-Town and order dinner in Korean...
Go to Eugene Lang and visit professors...
Go to a nightclub where you can't wear t-shirts or tennis shoes...
Go to a dive bar...
Go to the Production Lounge...
Write an article for the newspaper about teaching abroad (Kate?)...
- Saw two guys passed out in the street a few nights ago at about 2 AM. Just laying there in the middle of the street. What if a car needed to drive through?
- There's a really cool building being built across the street from my hagwon. I wish I was living there...

That's all for now. Time to prep for classes.

Sapling-level Excellence!

Sapling level is for those students who are nearly fluent. They can form basic sentences, understand most English questions when I speak at a normal pace, and just need their vocabulary increased bit by bit. I only have 3 Sapling students this semester, and Stella is the brightest of the three. Harry is the least bright...but today, he made up for that with this INCREDIBLY LONG story for Storytelling! Check it out! Average length is perhaps a quarter of this, mind you.

One day, Harry, the leader of the earth, went to the space to help a rocket which was attacked by bad aliens. When he saw his friends in the rocket all die, he cried. That night, Harry told Max, the astronaut that he would like to become a strong alien and protect the space. Harry had the power to change the human into the other being. The other astronauts heard what Harry told Max, and also wanted to be a strong alien. However, Harry didn't allow all of them. So, Harry suggested a contest. The contest was about going to the Sun quickly and bringing the fire to Harry. Harry knew that nobody could go near the Sun. The astronauts also knew, that everybody is going to die when they go near the sun. So, the astronauts didn't go to the sun, and they just got fire from gas range and match. However, there was one person who really went to the sun. It was Max. Max went to the sun and tried to get fire from it. However, he couldn't because the sun was too hot. So, he came back with no fire. Finally, all the astronauts came. Only Max didn't have fire. He was embarrased. He knew that he wasn't going to win the contest. Harry knew that other astronauts didn't go to the sun. So, Max became the strong alien who protect the space. In space, Max killed all the bad aliens, and the space bacame peaceful.

Where The Wild Things Are

I can't wait for this movie to come out! And everyone seemed to believe that Arcade Fire was going to do the soundtrack for it. Probably because they use an AF song for the preview.

But no! Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeah's is going to do it, along with the help from some of her friends, fellow bandmates and such.

I don't like the Yeah Yeah Yeah's, so I hope this lady doesn't ruin a great movie with her music.